If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
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same energy
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.