Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
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having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Cartman: Respect my
a a
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.