Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
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The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Pickled cat.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.