My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
You Might Also Like
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*