Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
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I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.