Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
.
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I still have Pringles?
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[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
The Compass
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”