why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
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My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
the icebreaker
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.