I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
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I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I have two kinds of followers
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?