You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
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To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees