shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
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Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Imma just leave this here…………