I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
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I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.