My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
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“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.