Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
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*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
<- sleeps well with others
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
😅🤣😂
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”