The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
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Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Boating season is upon us.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
More like Kate Missington.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.