God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
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My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I have so many questions.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.