*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
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Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
yes, those are my real potatoes.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.