I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
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Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.