Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
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Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
you stereotypes are all alike
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh