I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
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grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
🤣🤣🤣
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.