If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
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Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.