Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
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hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
S O O N
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Our lord and savoury.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂