When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
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Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go