Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
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– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
You know I’m something of a chef myself
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning