I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
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WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Midwest trash talk
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.