Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
You Might Also Like
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Wait for it
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
The Sun