A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
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Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.