1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
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[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no