Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
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I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Whoa 😂