I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
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Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table