i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
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I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?