Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
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I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown