No one :
Me when I swimming :
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Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
describing stardew valley
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan