[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
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2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription