I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
You Might Also Like
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Danger is very dangerous
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.