I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
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Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron