Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
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Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.