The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
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*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Just as the prophecy foretold
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.