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I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.