I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
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Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies