TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
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Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.