I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
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me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.