Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.