8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
You Might Also Like
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies