My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
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Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband