GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
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Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell