some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
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I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
excuse me
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
The news
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.