FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
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So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
My dating profile:
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Ooh I do like a good funnel
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.