instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.