If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
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When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
🙄😏😂🤣