[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
🌱🌱🌱
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.